The Bloated Penguin

So there was like this 24 hour coverage of a football game yesterday and while I was waiting for the commercials to start (side note – I later found out that Mashable would be streaming all of them from their site…) I flipped around the channels and discovered one of the greatest movies of our time. No I’m not talking about Citizen Kane or Casablanca, I’m speaking of course about the Baywatch Movie.

I’ll try my hardest to not give away too much of the plot, but the quick rundown is this. Mitch gets married in Hawaii.

Now, I’ve never been a huge fan of Baywatch (I would stop on the show if I was channel surfing every once in a while, but I never actually knew when it was on), but I have to say, the movie had me hooked from the beginning. First of all, am I the only person who wasn’t aware of this spin-off show called Baywatch Hawaii? Apparently there are scantily clad lifeguards/adult movie stars in Hawaii as well as California. They too run on the beach in slow motion and are able to perform CPR like professional EMT’s.

Here’s a promo in a different language!

Anyways, back to the movie review.

The Acting

I haven’t seen a ton of Baywatch episodes in the past, but I’m thinking of checking out a few now that I know the quality of performance displayed in each episode. With a star-studded cast of David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, Yazmine Bleeth, Stacy Kamano and Carmen Electra (plus a ton of other names I don’t recognize) it was a no-brainer that the quality of acting was set at a high level. Emotions can be read quite high (there were a fair number of girl fights) and the love between Mitch and Allison rivals that of a classic Romeo and Juliet.

The Action

With a movie plot based on the high impact lives of lifeguards, you can bet that the action sequences would be top notch – and the Baywatch movie doesn’t disappoint. If this movie has any hint of reality (this being Baywatch and all, I wouldn’t doubt the realism), I don’t think people in Hawaii know how to swim… at all. It takes a couple of hands to count the amount of people who almost drowned in this movie so thank goodness for the Baywatch crew.

The Dialogue

I think they talked in this. You know, in between the slo-mo running and CPR scenes. And I’m pretty sure it was witty, smart and chalk full of quips that only university grads would understand.

The Story

Again, amidst all of the running and saving, I’m pretty sure there was a story behind all of this. I remember a wedding scene at some point and also a lot of driving around on the beach with Baywatch branded ATV’s.

Rating

If you’ve got any entertainment integrity you’ll have already seen this movie. It changed my perception of story telling and I feel as though I’m a better person for spending 2 hours with it. I give the Baywatch Movie a stunning and extremely rare 11 out of 10 stars.