Cornrows + Jackie Chan Does Not Equal Karate Kid

I’m sorry but this really needs to stop. Remakes are destroying our memories and the normal generation gaps that bring people together are becoming blurred. No I’m not talking about global issues like the environment or the development of the third world (or lack thereof for that matter), I am in fact talking about this ridiculous theme of remaking versions of films from our past. I know these all started a long time ago, but I started to notice the downfall of film making and the subsequent rise of remakes when Terminator Salvation was announced. I had major problems with that flick from beginning to end but what stuck out most is that it took a concept that worked so well when I was young, and tore it to shreds.

Well kids, it’s happening again. After venting a few months ago about the news of a Hollywood remake of Short Circuit I was at the tipping point. Now I’m so far past the metaphoric line that I don’t even see it. Jaden Smith is not Daniel-san and the Karate Kid should remain in the pantheon of great flicks that should never be “remade.”. This sad excuse for a remake makes my insides bleed and after hearing the announcement about a year ago I contemplated hopping out the window. Granted, I live on the ground floor and jumping out of the window would probably just result in an embarrassing Youtube video for my neighbor to post, but you know what I mean.

Gripe 1

Will Smith‘s son is not the Karate Kid. In fact, I would pick Hillary Swank over this kid any day and I didn’t even see that movie. Apparently “playing” the part of Will Smith’s son in that terrible movie Pursuit of Happiness convinced this kid that he could pull this off. Oh, and having Will Smith pull all of his Hollywood strings for his kid doesn’t hurt either…

Gripe 2

Jackie Chan, seriously dude, what happened to you? Your old Chinese flicks are awesome and even some of your early North American work isn’t too bad. But to attempt to embody Pat Morita is wrong on so many levels…

Gripe 3

In 5 years when you’re sitting at the dinner table with your sister’s kids discussing great movies and someone brings up Karate Kid, the young-ins will have no idea what you’re talking about. They will start to think you actually watched this remake and lose all respect for you…

The Studio’s Solution!

When the movie is finally finished shooting and ready for screening, throw in a fake-punt play and start showing the original Karate Kid instead. Just pretend you didn’t make the mistake and remind people that the original Karate Kid is where it’s at.

Phew, okay, I’ve finally stopped sweating over the matter. I’m going to go ask my mom to make me some more hot pockets and invite the rest of my clan to a team death match in COD.