The Bloated Penguin

So to give everyone a bit of background info, I’ve been tasked to write a wedding speech for a friend of mine who will be getting married quite soon. I’m not exactly sure why I was chosen to do so other than the fact that the bridesmaids don’t want to. Call it fear of public speaking, lack of confidence, or the inevitable pressure felt when doing it, but the bottom line is I gotta step up.

I’ve been going through my notes on the matter for the better part of a week and I’ve written, then re-written, then swore at myself a lot, tore up a bunch of drafts and realized that this is probably the most important thing I’ve ever put on paper. In comparison to video game scripts, web site copy and ad campaigns, wedding speeches can make or break you… figuratively of course. Not only am I writing to entertain, but I’ve also got to say it out loud. I have to grab the attention of the entire audience, and make it endearing enough that the bride doesn’t think I’m a big goof. Then there’s the argument of jokes, stories and what I am now referring to as the “Aaaaaawe” moments.

I’ve done quite a bit of research on the matter and I think there’s a pace you can take when writing/reading a wedding speech. You want to draw them in, keep them and take them on a ride they’ll never forget. In other words, you have to write the dialogue for a movie trailer. I’m alright when it comes to the excitement and the stories – I’ve known the bride since the first day of Kindergarden so the tales are endless. Where I’m having trouble is the “Aaaaaawe.” factor. How much “Aaaaaawe,” do I include? Do I try to make people cry? If I do, how do I know people won’t just laugh?

My solution for the moment is to tell a tale. How I met the bride, how I felt when the bride met the groom and all of the “Aaaaawe” moments in between. Similar to cutting a movie trailer, I want to include high moments and splice in “Aaaaawe,” moments. The key right now is trying not to blow the ultimate “Aaaawe” in the beginning. Timing, pace and a plan to toy with the emotions of the audience and they will be mine…. ALL MINE!!!! Muahahahahahahahahahahaha

Seriously though, I have no idea what I’m going to write about because I just looked over my last draft and decided to burn it and bury the remains in the back yard. Damn this shit is difficult…

So right now there are probably hundreds of thousands of people lined up at the local mini-mall attempting to snag the deal of the year… Yes, it’s Black Friday for all of our southern neighbors (being Canadian I’m allowed to say that) and along with the one of the busiest shopping days of the year, Black Friday also signifies the official start of the holiday shopping season.

(side note: When did we start naming seasons after ways we spend money? Do we no longer go by Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter?)

Back to the matter at hand. Xmas is just around the corner (okay, it’s really like a month away) and what better way to celebrate the holiday season than to decorate your festive foliage with something awesome? Check out these video game controller ornaments. From what I can tell there is a Wii, Super Nintendo, NES, Nintendo 64, Dreamcast, Genesis, and PS3. They kind of look like they are made of licorice, but unless you’re a curious child, I wouldn’t suggest eating. In any case, I think this is nice alternative to the standard bulb and star concept most trees use these day.

You can buy them online here. Keep in mind that these do not come with string or hooks.

Ad Freak’s latest post is actually pretty awesome. In fact, I’ll be up font. I’ve been really impressed with some of the stuff going up on their blog for a while now and might be guilty of borrowing some content every now and then… Okay enough penance.

Check out this Italian ad for sunglasses. Get it? It’s like they’re telling you to kiss their ass, when it’s really their face. Then they use a play on words because “Glasses” rhymes with “Asses”!!!!

Sarcasm aside, I actually think this is pretty good. I’m not sure if this is being produced as a billboard or anything, but could you imagine driving down the highway and seeing a gigantic Face-Ass? Pretty effective. Too bad Southpark came up with the idea first when they created Ben Affleck’s parents as Face-Asses.

Imagine reading this with a Daniel Stern voice over. That would awesome.

When you think of Fred Savage you immediately think Wonder Years, then Winnie Cooper, then something weird…. Anyways, strange tangent, I’m back on track now. Maybe you even think of the many Tiger Beat covers he graced, or G-rated movies your parents took you to back in the late 80’s. Well, lil’ Fred Savage is all grown up and since a brief (but hilarious appearance as the Mole in Austin Powers) he has stepped behind the camera and is quickly becoming a pretty damn good TV director.

Starting out in kids shows like Zoey 101, Hannah Montana and Boy Meets World (he directed his little brother) then a brief stint in feature film where he directed the flop Daddy Day Camp, Savage has found his niche, and it’s in Sunny Philadelphia. His prime time directing gigs include Greek, Ugly Betty and Aliens in America, but his crowning moment came with his directorial debut on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. In 2007 Fred Savage directed the episode where Mac and Dennis try out for the Philadelphia Eagles. The episode itself is still one of the strongest in the series as it shows what Danny DeVito would be like on acid.

Since then he’s gone on to direct about 20 more episodes, but none have been better than the recently dropped It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia Christmas Special. You know you’ve become a successful director when you can film a Christmas special complete with a violent animated montage, a couch giving birth to Danny DeVito, a neck biting incident and talking robots. Check out the trailer below.

Hmmm……. Not sure how I feel about this. On one hand I love me some holiday turkey. It’s a nice change from the regular poultry of choice, that being chicken and how fun is it to fight over one of the legs with a sibling and go all neanderthal?

Well, after watching this ad from PETA, I’m kind of not in the mood anymore. I’m not saying I’ll go veggie or anything of the sort, but after listening to this little kid give thanks, I kind of just want to sit in a corner and feel bad about myself.

But then I watched this PETA ad from 07 that features Joaquim Phoenix and I feel much better about the whole situation. My dislike for Joaquim overrides my self loathing over the issue and I’d love to scarf down a plate full of turkey, stuffing and gravy right in front of this dude;s face.

Apparently this is what Frances would look like if she were an M&M

As a special request from a new co-worker, I am devoting an entire post to Frances (don’t call me FrancIS, AKA Ninja Koala) Data. The print designer extraordinaire has been gracing the office with her presence for the past few months and said she would only read The Bloated Penguin if it was worth reading. Well, Frances, here you go.

Frances can be recognized as the “silent girl” as she is the pictured example for the I Am Silent campaign here in the office.

She’s created some great print work from travel brochures to holiday donations catalogs and I am relying on her to help me design a friend’s wedding invitation.

For lack of ideas, content and the fact that I’m tired here is a picture of an actual ninja koala.

Bye Frances – Welcome to The Bloated Penguin

When we heard about this last week I wasn’t sure how well it would go over. Apparently my boss was contacted by some peeps over at the Colbert Report and asked to come on the show to talk about Child Labor. See, the thing about Stevie Colbert is that he lives in a giant pool of ridiculousness and sometimes not everyone understands that the entire show is basically an act. Well, I think after the PR team at my work prepped the boss man he was really prepared.

Click here to watch the clip. Comedy Central won’t let me embed cause they want to show you more adds for Cialis….

Good job Marc – I think you impressed a lot of people with the interview. Also (and this is the most important) gave me my first “So You Wanna Know What’s So Effen’ Cool About My Work” story. Eat it friends! My boss was on Colbert Report!!!!