The Bloated Penguin

I remained in bed for more than 20 minutes today debating whether or not I should leave. I’m not sick, I’m not depressed, I’ve really got nothing in particular on my mind and I would have no excuse for ditching out on work. But 20 minutes of debating whether or not I should roll out made me realize that sometimes my truest enemy is my conscience. The red LED’s on the digital clock flipped and changed from number to number like some kind of reverse Hollywood movie bomb and it made me think of an extremely random scene from Speed.

Dennis Hopper calls Keannu from his massive Zack Morris cell phone and says, “Pop quiz, hotshot. There’s a bomb on a bus. Once the bus goes 50 miles an hour, the bomb is armed. If it drops below 50, it blows up. What do you do? What do you do?”

I think its the repeating of the “What do you do?” line that got me out of bed this morning. I have no idea what the logic behind it could be other than my conscience took on the voice of Dennis Hopper and metaphorically referred to me as Keannu… If that doesn’t get you out of bed I don’t think anything will.

Suns coming up now so maybe I won’t regret rolling into work.

Got home last night from my annual Sweet 16 trip (no I don’t perpetually celebrate my 16th birthday, I perpetually celebrate March Madness and NCAA College Basketball) and while I was down there I started a list of assumptions that have turned out to be true. If you know me, and you probably don’t, I live in a world where stereotypes are re-enforcements to my outlook on the world right now. Traveling to Phoenix has only strengthened some of these.

So without further ado (and hopefully without any offense) here are some of my assumptions that have become fact in my mind.

1 – The American fast food industry is their strongest and therefore the only safe business.

I noticed this as I was in line for a double-double animal style at In & Out Burger. For less than 12 dollars you can get an entire meal for 2 consisting of 2 great tasting burgers, 2 orders of fries and a 2 shakes. Obviously the value keeps people coming back, but the quality of taste (not to be confused with quality of food) is also great. The drive-through lineup at In & Out was around the block and the restaurant itself was packed on a Thursday afternoon at about 3PM.

2 – The Spanish language is most accepted assumption in the US.

Arizona is quite close to the Mexican border so having a lot of Spanish signs, merchandise and customer service people shouldn’t be a surprise. What is a surprise is that Spanish is NOT treated as French is in Canada. Sure kids learn it in school, but almost all government documentation is written in English only, with no reference to the large percentage of the US population that speaks only Spanish.

3 – US amateur athletics dominate… everything.

Where else in the world can you find more advertisements for ESPN 2, Classic and ESPN.com than you would anything else? I think the reason is because geographically the US is spread out a lot more than people would assume. Imagine living in a small college town where there is literally NOTHING to do other than drink, make babies and support the local sports team.

To end this I thought I’d add a sterotype that actually wasn’t enforced on my trip. That would be that all Americans are over weight. Over weight? No. Unhealthy? Yes! With the size of food portions in restaurants there is no mystery as to why so many Americans suffer from diabetes and obecesity. But don’t blame the people, look at the system. Inexpensive manufactured foods are one of the country’s leading industries and subsequently so are antibiotics and drug development.

Caught Heroes last night and to be honest, I would have stayed away had I not known the creative genius behind the episode. Without reading any spoilers I managed to figure out that the one and only Bryan Fuller penned last night’s episode Cold Snap, the best episode of Heroes since Company Man. And guess who wrote Company Man!

I posted a while back about Fuller and his short lived series Pushing Daisies so I won’t go too far into what his significance is on modern story telling, but I will say this – Had he not returned to Heroes, I would not be a fan.

With last night’s Cold Snap Fuller did what no other Heroes writer seemed to be able to do, he brought the series back to the core and told character stories rather than intricate conspiracy mysteries. Just like the first season, Fuller focused on the characters rather than the situation. He made bold choices that will not only save the franchise, it saved the story from deepening into the depths of nothingness that fans really don’t seem to care about anymore.

Company Man was brilliant for many reasons, but the one that sticks out for me was the focus on the HRG (Noah Bennet) and the development of his back story. Fuller took this, and told the story. Period. He didn’t meld in any ridiculous plot devices or twists and turns for the sake of a cliffhanger – he contained the story and told it well. Cold Snap wasn’t exactly the same, but the values of the writing remain. Stick with the main story, tell it well, and everything else will fall into place. I’m not going to spoil the plot, but I will say that Fuller has no fear when it comes to changing things.

For me, the highlights from last night’s show aren’t the CG infested scenes, but rather the moments where characters went back to their original selves. Peter is loyal, Parkman is blinded by dedication, Hiro and Ando are constantly striving to improve themselves as heroes and Tracy (Nikki/Jessica/???) is maternal. It was almost as if Fuller’s goal was to remind viewers that these “heroes” were once people and in order to believe in the show again, we need to believe that we’re looking into the lives of these real people. Cold Snap was the journey back.

Check out Fuller’s episodes when you get a free weekend and you’ll understand what I’m talking about. There’s neccessary writing, there’s good writing, then there’s writing that defines good story telling. Enjoy his work and if you don’t here’s a picture of Ando chucking a red fireball Streetfighter-style!

Imagine having to deal with this upon arrival

It is becoming strikingly obvious to me that working full time in an office is not my preference, even subconsciously. Usually when things aren’t going so well I’m always able to find the silver lining, but as of late with this gig that I’m a couple months into, I’m finding the silver is slowly rusting over and turning into some sort of mold. Don’t get me wrong, this is a great place to work. The people are pretty fun, the work can be challenging and I seem to have found my niche within the group I’m associated with. But I think that’s my problem, I’m becoming complacent and it’s friggin scary.

When I arrived a couple of months ago it was exciting because I was learning all of the ins and outs of the company. Not only did I learn all about accounting software, I also learned who I can work with and who sits pretty in their office atop the highest horse in the land named Legacy. Because of all of this I think I’ve come to recognize only the negative,  or things that I can sit back and laugh at because I’ve either been through it before or I want no part of it. I’m a little tired of the double pistols, the 45-year old guy calling be “dude,” and the bad coffee in the morning… Anyways, to sum most of this up I’d like to say that I’m not bored with the company, I’m not bored with the people and I’m not bored with the work – I’m just deftly bored and looking for a way out of sitting in a cubicle for 8 hours…

Free Spam!

Once again, I think its time for me to go through the old Spam folder and see what amazing things have been popping up in the world of processed breakfast meats. Since my latest purge I’ve managed to accumulated 230 new Spam messages so here… we…  go:

Willa Roberson writes in the subject line “Please Her Tonite,” and the saddest thing about this is the spelling of tonight versus tonite. Is it wrong that of all things that concern me about this message it is the fact that the Spammer has a different spelling method than I do?

mjp8582 has decided to let me in on the secret of “Strength and Largeness”… One could be naive enough to think this is a message about exercise and fitness, but come on, who are you kidding. Especially with a subject line that reads “What’s your skeleton in the closet?”

Anita Blackman has sent me a message offering to sell me her brand new Rolex. Rolex’s aren’t even my style let alone false advertising and internet cons. Purge.

This is new, Caroline Richter has sent me a Spam message offering me a job in a “Progressive American Office located in Thailand…” Of all of the creepy things you could find in your Spam folder, I think a manipulate invite to the land of the ladyboys is is near the top.

The last message I find truly interesting is from Emory Thayer. Emory has sent me a warning about diseases, many of them. According to Emory all I need to do is “Click this link and your health problems will be solved!” I’m skeptical to say the least, but I do like the ironic approach of getting people to click a link about diseases only to find that they have infected their computers with a virus….

That’s it for now. A couple of random thoughts this morning: U-Dub Huskies and Gonzaga Bulldogs won last night in the NCAA tourney so my brackets aren’t on life support yet. Will be spending the weekend in catching up on some movies I have never seen straight through – Crank (2006) Viki Christina Barcelona (08) and Sex and the City (08).

Greatest Rivalry in Sports

So its March and there’s this little basketball tournament out there that will begin in a matter of hours. As some of you know I’m kind of a fan of this event so I thought I’d take some time this morning to explain the beauty, craziness and sheer excitement that will occur over the next few weeks.

Unless you’ve physically been to a US college “anything” game, you really can’t say you know what true fans are. I apologize to Canadians who think watching the NHL, CFL or that sad collegiate level of sports they have in this country is in any way similar, but you could not be more wrong. Nothing against the competition or the followings each team has in this country, but it’s just not the same.

This year’s NCAA Basketball Tournament is a bit of a strange one for me. I’m used to going into this tournament with a set few favorites (UW, Gonzaga, Arizona, Valpo, IU, UNLV and Fresno State), but this year I can’t really say I’ve got an all-out favorite team to take it all, which in my case is a good thing because I’m usually involved in about 60 brackets. So without further ado, here are my 3 winners and the reasons why I chose them.

Bracket 1 – UNC

Psycho-T is probably my favorite player to come out of North Carolina not named Air. His tenacity, good nature and sheer effort levels are like Rudy trying to make the special teams squad at Notre Dame. UNC is well coached and they’ve got a trio of guards/wings that can burn anyone at any time in Ellington, Green and Lawson. That, and the president picked them to win yesterday so this is my way of supporting American politics.

Bracket 2 – U-Dub

Love the Pac-10. Hands down, this is the most entertaining conference in the country. Okay, so maybe I’m a bit biased, but when a team has to go through the likes of Arizona, UCLA, Stanford, USC, ASU, Oregon and Cal in any given year, you have to respect that. This year’s team is the veteran team we’ve all been waiting for. The core players are a few years older now and super JC-transfer Isaiah Thomas (no not that Isiah) has been spectacular. Dawn some purple this week and see what happens. Go Huskies!

Isaiah Thomas

Bracket 3 – Kansas

You can probably tell that I’ve only chosen one number 1 seed to come away with it all and its teams like KU that prevent me from taking the easy route. The Defending Champs are not only an experienced bunch, but they’ve got a beast down the middle with Cole Aldrich. The super soph (and BFF of Blake Griffin) has emerged as a rebounding whore jumping around and grabbing anything and everything around him of late. His post game is a bit raw, but you can see it starting to develop. Rock Chalk Jay Hawk!

Cole Aldrich

So those are my picks this year.  I don’t really want to go into all of the brackets I’ve filled out, but you can get the idea that there really isn’t any method to this madness. Just pick, pray and pile up the disappointment. Before I go I want to make sure I give proper shout out to some teams that didn’t make the tourney this year but I hope to see them do well next season.

Indiana (IU) – Rough year for the Hooisers, don’t worry Kristy, you’ll be back

Davidson - Steph Curry brings some star power to the NIT

Hawaii - Going to miss cheering for the Rainbows

Oregon - No quacking this year….

Gotta admit, when I was a kid the thought of meeting a pro sports star would have been like meeting God. I probably wouldn’t know what to say and would envision a constant beam of light upon them. I held them in such high regards that in some strange way I never really saw them as human – sans emotion, humility and a sense of humour. The rise of Youtube has helped many things in this world,  and I think the most important has been my new outlook on professional athletes becoming grounded human beings. They make mistakes of course, but I think what really has changed is the fact that Youtube has given us a window into their lives beyond the court, field, rink and diamond.

Steve Nash has had his ups and downs with the old innerweb, but I think his series of Vitamin Water ads are amazing. They show that he’s got some acting chops as well as a sense of humor about not only himself, but the corporate world.

Dwayne Wade and Charles Barkley have made names for themselves away from the basketball court (and jailhouse for Chucky) by starring in a series of T-Mobile commercials about themselves and their friendship. These ads really give them a sense of humility beyond their athletic status.

Alexander Ovechkin has taken the hockey world by storm in the past few years and he’s done it not only by destroying his competition, but by enjoying it more than anyone else. He’s able to show his true personality more than most pro athletes, something they could all learn from him.

The kids over at ESPN are no dummy’s when it comes to advertising. This ad about the Manning brothers not only shows that these guys are real people, it shows that they act like real brothers – even when the cameras are rolling.

Back when baseball was a credible sport there was a much publicized home-run record race involving Mark McGuire. Nike not only used this to their advantage, but they also roped in Heather Locklear. In another gem by Nike they show the true side of jealously amongst pro athletes in this chronicling of Tom Glavine and Greg Maddox trying to become more attractive to women.

So that’s what I got today – some sports fun with real people. I hope they keep this up so if the odd chance I ever do run into a famous athlete, I won’t be like LL Cool J in his Old Spice ad. (sorry, that a lot of Youtubing for one post – I’ll cut down next time)

Natural?

Every morning I’m usually the first one the in the office. This means I’m the first to unlock the doors, the first to turn on the lights and always the first one to make coffee. Here’s the problem – I’m too lazy cheap to buy milk/cream and sugar so my first cup always contains this strange chemical concoction known as Splenda. Sure I could probably go across the street and steal some cream and sugar, but that would involve…. going across the street.

So this morning I did a little bit of research to try and figure out what exactly I’ve been putting into my body. Here’s a quote from the official Splenda site that features videos of parents happy about giving it to their kids:

Mom looks so pleased

SPLENDA® is the brand name for the ingredient sucralose. It is made through a patented, multi-step process that starts with sugar and converts it to a no calorie, non-carbohydrate sweetener. The process selectively replaces three hydrogen-oxygen groups on the sugar molecule with three chlorine atoms. Chlorine is present naturally in many of the foods and beverages that we eat and drink every day ranging from lettuce, mushrooms and table salt. In the case of sucralose, its addition converts sucrose to sucralose, which is essentially inert. The result is an exceptionally stable sweetener that tastes like sugar, but without sugar’s calories. After consumption, sucralose passes through the body without being broken down for energy, so it has no calories, and the body does not recognize it as a carbohydrate.

Sounds confusing and chemically acceptable right? (pfft, like I would know) Then I stumbled upon another site known as The Truth About Splenda.

Go Duke!

Quoting a study done at Duke University, this is what they have to say:

Splenda is not natural; it is a chlorinated artificial sweetener. There have been no long-term human studies on the safety of Splenda; however, issues have been raised about Splenda in a new study from Duke University.

According to the study, Splenda “suppresses beneficial bacteria and directly affects the expression of the transporter P-gp and cytochrome P-450 isozymes that are known to interfere with the bioavailability of drugs and nutrients. Furthermore, these effects occur at Splenda doses that contain sucralose levels that are approved by the FDA for use in the food supply.”

Evidence indicates that a 12-wk administration of Splenda exerted numerous adverse effects, including (1) reduction in beneficial fecal microflora, (2) increased fecal pH, and (3) enhanced expression levels of P-gp, CYP3A4, and CYP2D1, which are known to limit the bioavailability of orally administered drugs.

So basically Splenda is not what they say they are. To save you the headache of looking up exactly what those smart kids over at Duke are talking about, I’ll summarize it as simply as I can… Consuming too much Splenda will decrease the amount of helpful acids in your digestive system and could potentially limit the effects of any orally administered drugs in the future.

So contrary to many beliefs, Splenda probably isn’t as natural as they say they are. In fact, over consumption might not even give you super powers. I don’t think I’ll be using Splenda anymore.